Laela and I are sitting around, watching Sleeping Beauty. I've been in a very Disney mood this week, we've already watched The Jungle Book, Alice in Wonderland, and Finding Nemo. I love the ambience of Disney movies, they make the house feel so cozy. And Laela seems to like them too. She's rolling around on the floor, chewing on her toy.

She really seems like she might actually crawl, but there's always a snag. Now she gets on all fours and moves her feet, but her hands do not follow suit. Then her legs straighten out and she army crawls away. But, she's getting better at turning, and is going forward more. She's also starting to develop the ability to get from her stomach to sitting. She's a pro at going from sitting to her stomach, but once there she prefers to yell until someone sits her up haha. Laela is also getting really good at standing. We got her a musical activity table, since there isn't really anywhere for her to pull up and cruise in our living room. She really likes it, and it's helping her learn another important skill- how to get down haha. She's learning to sit down on her bottom instead of falling over to the side.

All in all, I've really been enjoying this stage. She's also eating like a champ. The gagging is much better, and she actually swallows her food, and lots of it. Since Laela hasn't exhibited any food allergies so far, I have moved the trial period for her food from a week to a couple of days. In the last few weeks we've started wheat cereal, tofu, chicken, avocado, beets, lentils, white beans, basil and cinnamon. And she's loved it all. I'm so glad that, so far anyway, she seems to be really open to trying new foods. That's why I'm trying to get as many new things in as I can while she's like that. And, briefly anyway, it seemed that eating a large meal of solid food right before bed was helping her sleep better, but the last few days she's been waking up frequently. She even slept for 12 hours straight the other night, but I knew it was too good to be true. My hope is that, at the very least, she will stop waking at night once she's weaned. At that point, all that will be offered at night is a cup of water haha.

I've also been doing some spring cleaning, very slowly. I'm going room by room, making a list of things to do for each, and crossing them off as a go. I'm trying not to have a timeline, and so far it's working. Earlier I used the shop vac to vacuum under our bed. Harlock is terrified of the vacuum, so I moved her to the living room chair, and I shut the door so Laela wouldn't be afraid either. When I was done I peaked into the living room to see Harlock cowering on the couch and Laela playing happily. Laela is clearly the more brave of the two haha. I really want to move some of our decorations around the house, just to change things up. I got new pillows for the couch, and I really want to do some more little improvements. It's been a while since we've updated, and I feel like everything has been in the same place for so long that we've stopped noticing it.

It also looks like tomorrow is actually going to be a nice day. It's been pretty rainy here all week. It's so hard because I'm very ready to get out and work on the yard and go to the park more. I hate being cooped up for too long. I want to pick up some mulch tomorrow and get to work. It's still a little early to plant flowers, but our daffodils are slowly coming up in the front yard. My plan is to plant some herbs in pots in the back yard, and then plant some more flowers in the front. We have enough flowers in the back already, but I might add in some wild flowers. And, I have to finish the project I started last fall, when I bulldozed the hedges on the side of the driveway haha. I need to cut them all the way down, add mulch, and paint the side of the house where they were. I can't wait to get to work!

Life is chugging along pretty well for us this month. I had some car trouble yesterday, but luckily I was able to get it in and fixed right away. Laela is going to the doctor this afternoon. I've been doing really well at keeping up with the house, probably because it's such a pain to take Laela out in the cold and snow that we stay home most of the time. But, after yesterday's wrench in the schedule, it seems like it's already veering out of control again. I always envisioned life as a stay at home mom as one in a comfortable, lived in home that I wouldn't worry about cleaning all the time if it meant spending more time with my kids. But, I feel like whenever there is a mess I just feel really guilty. If I'm cleaning I feel guilty that I'm not spending time with Laela, and if I'm spending time with Laela I feel guilty about not cleaning. Hopefully at some point I'll find a system that works. Laela is starting to get up on all fours in her crib and rock back and forth. I sense that crawling is just around the corner, and I'm currently trying to decide how much baby proofing will be necessary. With the way our house is set up, I don't think we'll need to do much, since she can easily be corralled into the living room. I'm also seeing some improvement in her sleeping. I've been going back and forth about doing some sort of "sleep training", though not crying it out because I don't feel comfortable with that at all. I'll let her cry for a few minutes to see if she'll settle down, but then I go get her. After a lot of time spent worrying that not taking care of this now will ruin her ability to sleep later, I've realized that she's slowly but surely sleeping more at night. It's not every night, there are some times that she wakes up 3-4 times, but usually those are before midnight, so I'm not asleep anyway. But, the number of times she's slept through the night in the last month are way more than the month before. I'm hoping this pattern continues. I realize that she wakes up when she needs something, whether it be comfort or food. And it's my job to take care of that, not force her to conform to the schedule I'd prefer. I sincerely hope that, at some point I learn to just relax because most problems work themselves out on their own, but I doubt it haha.

After the events of 2010, many of which I am still wrapping my head around, I was very relieved and somewhat excited to greet 2011. I don't do resolutions, because they always seem to become negative very quickly. I slip up and then feel very bad about myself. So I try to just improve things day by day, instead of setting hard to reach long term goals. I do enjoy the feeling of a fresh start though, so I've been working on that. I'm planning on using the last of my Christmas money for a much-needed massage and hair cut, that I'm thoroughly looking forward to. I also learned, upon purchasing a bathroom scale, that I'm back to my pre-Laela weight! I'm very happy about that, and feeling much better about myself. I still have some serious ab work to do, but I'm glad to be back to working out for more pleasant reasons. You know, like stress relief, good health, and some alone time. In fact, for the first time since Laela's birth, I'm starting to feel good in my own skin again. There are still a few things that aren't normal, like that hyper-pigmentation on my stomach that will probably stick around until I stop nursing, but they're much fewer. And, I'm happy to report that the troubling pain at the epidural site on my back is finally gone! I had pretty much resigned myself to feeling like I had a bruise on my back for the rest of my life, so I'm very excited about that one. I just feel very grateful, after spending so much time being unable to get around very well, that I have a body that does pretty much everything I want it to. To be able to run and jump is so nice! And yes, I am aware how out of character these statements are haha. I keep thinking back to high school, when my doctor explained to me, giving me a troubled look as I struggled unsuccessfully to touch my toes, that being skinny does not automatically mean you are healthy haha. Laela and I have enjoying our time with all of her new books and toys. Last night we actually had a tea party, one where she grabbed a toy cake and started chewing on it, and then picked up a tea cup and sipped from it. It was pretty awesome. She also took her first turn with some crayons, and made a few lovely marks. I'm really enjoying her little new discoveries every day. The feeling I get when she suddenly does something I didn't know she knew how to do never gets old. As someone who's super sentimental and not positive about change, I assumed I would spend much of her first year lamenting her growing and changing so fast. And, there are times, especially when I have to pack up a pile of too small little clothes or a piece of outgrown baby equipment, where I do feel a little sad. But mostly I'm really enjoying watching her become a little person. She is scooting around a little, but not quite crawling yet. Her near compulsion to roll onto her stomach has made her sleep schedule a little erratic, but it seems to be improving. All of these positive things have been helping me deal with what is turning out to be an alarming amount of negatives that the new year has brought. Unfortunately there have been a lot of people close to us struggling with health problems. I also lost someone last weekend who was very important to me. I always struggle with knowing how to deal with and express my feelings in such situations. I seem to never know the right thing to do or say, and I always feel like what I'm saying seems forced, even though it is not. But I imagine that is something that I will never quite learn how to do. Sometimes awful things happen without rhyme or reason, and there are no clear ways to process them. But I continue to have hope that the future holds healing and better days.

I really should be cleaning, but I have the worst sinus headache. I went to take some ibuprofen, but remembered we were out. Then I found a full bottle, and just as I was about to do a happy dance, discovered it was expired. I really don't want to take Laela out because she's napping and it's really cold, so I guess I'll just lay around for a while. I'm getting the house ready (or trying to get the house ready) for Dad and Megan's visit on Sunday! I'm so excited, it will be fun to spend Christmas with them. And, lets be honest, it will be nice to have some other people to help with Laela. She's been sleeping fairly well. We started putting her in her crib on Friday. It seems to be going well, except she learned to turn on her stomach and she keeps getting stuck, which makes us nervous. I'm so glad we have the video monitor, so we don't have to peak in on her all the time. She's been sleeping for one long stretch for the most part, and then getting up every 2-3 hours after that. Saturday night she slept for 7 hours straight, but usually it's more like 4-5. And that's been great, I don't have a problem with getting up with her a couple of times a night, but 5 or 6 was a bit much. I started a bedtime routine for her- I've been feeding her some cereal, giving her a bath with bedtime bath bubble bath, then giving her a little massage and putting her pajamas on. Then I nurse her and read Goodnight Moon and The Night Before Christmas before putting her in her crib. Sometimes she fusses for a couple of minutes, but in general she falls right to sleep. I started out putting her down between 9-10, but she's been getting tired earlier, so now it's more like 8-8:30. I'm so relieved that she's been making her sleep preferences known, since I want her sleep schedule to be something created around her natural patterns, and not forced on her. She's still kind of unpredictable during the day, but she generally takes 2 1-2 hour naps. Wow, that was a lot of talk about Laela sleeping, sorry. I've finally started doing a bit of Christmas shopping, and I'm looking forward to all of the packages that should be arriving soon, even the ones that aren't for me. I love getting mail! I'm also ready for Megan to get here so we can do some baking. I think we're going to try homemade marshmallows. I have no idea how they'll turn out, but they're supposed to be amazing, so I figured we should give it a try. What's the worst that could happen?

It always amazes me how quickly my mood and perceptions can change. Last week I was reminiscing about last Thanksgiving. I found out I was pregnant the day before, and the whole holiday season was just so hard for me. I struggled with being too sick and tired to enjoy anything. In addition, I was adjusting to not being able to do a lot of fun things, and the constant feeling that if I made the wrong decision I would hurt the baby and it would be all my fault. Not exactly good times. But, this year I was feeling a lot more festive, and very excited for Laela's first Christmas. We put up the lights outside, and the tree. I was also thrilled to discover that last year we ended up with a new, nicer tree and a stocking for Laela, thanks to Cheryl. That's a testament to how out of it I was last year, I had no idea we had a new tree until I found the box in the basement haha. But, the last few days have been really hard. Laela, after the first few weeks, was a great sleeper. She generally only woke up once a night, which didn't bother me at all. Now, she's wildly unpredictable and rarely sleeps for more than 3 hours at a time. Over the weekend I was staying up late to spend time with Jason. I went to bed at 2, and from then until 7:30, she woke up 5 times. I have no idea what the reason is, or if there even is a reason. There's just so many variables. So I'm so tired that I pretty much just want to sit on the couch and stare into space. Working out has gone out the window, and I've been showering in the evenings. I just don't have the energy to find joy in anything. Add to that the fact that Harlock jumps down, opens the bedroom door with her nose, and stares at us every time I shut it so Laela can have some quiet, and my patience is wearing thin. I've been trying very hard to be positive, which is something that doesn't come to me easily at all. I always read about studies that say that women who are anxious or depressed during pregnancy often pass that on to their children, so I feel like I must make up for her poor start in life by being as happy as possible. But I've run out of that ability. I just feel like I second-guess every parenting decision I make. I don't believe that having a rigid parenting philosophy is good for children, but winging it just isn't in my nature. I need to feel like we have some sort of plan. I worry about when to start her on solids, when to put her in her crib, and everything else possible. Jason said that at this age, as long as she is happy and developing well, we should just go with what she wants. And I completely agree for the most part, but something has got to give with the sleeping problem. I don't know, maybe tomorrow will be a better day, and she goes to the pediatrician next week, so I figured I will throw myself at his feet and hope he has some answers. Maybe not, but some suggestions from a professional might be helpful haha. I'm assuming he'll tell me to start her on cereal, so maybe that messy new adventure will distract us from everything else.

A pretty exciting thing has happened around here- Jason's car is finally up and running again! After replacing the wheels, tires and battery, Jason is finally able to take himself to work again. It couldn't have come at a better time, since Laela's sleep habits have been much less predictable than they were previously, and I've been running on less sleep than I need. So it's nice to be able to sleep until she wakes up, instead of waking to take Jason. She did well last night, and she slept all night on Saturday, but in general she's been kind of all over the place. So, we've been spending the first half of the night in our room and the second in the living room. But, in an effort to remain positive, I keep telling myself that at least she doesn't cry at night. In fact, she's been waking early in the morning squealing happily, ready to party. Several times I've fallen asleep while she remains awake, sucking on her hands. I'm assuming her little body is just going through some changes. But, to be honest, I don't always react well to fatigue, so sometimes it takes a lot to remain patient. Hopefully it won't last much longer. Currently, she's trying pretty hard to roll over, but she just manages to scoot around in a circle by throwing herself from side to side. We had a nice weekend, Joeli flew in from Chicago to meet Laela. We had a great time. We ate at the Lost Dog Cafe on Friday while Jason watched Laela. On Sunday we got coffee and went to the mall, also baby- free. And Monday we took Laela to Apple Hills for lunch and then took her and the dog to the park. I love baby time, but I never turn down an opportunity to get away for a while. I really need to get away to the gym, since I didn't go last week and I haven't gone yet this week. But, thanks to my 90 crunches a day, my jeans are fitting much better anyway. I went through a period a few weeks ago where I felt so bad about myself that I broke out some of my smaller maternity clothes. But, as I learned when I used to watch What Not to Wear all the time, bigger clothes just make you look bigger, so I stopped that haha. I'm feeling a lot better now. In general, life is going pretty well, except for adjusting to the early darkness. There are so many things I enjoy about winter, but that is not one of them. But, at least I have the holidays to look forward to.

I should really be cleaning the kitchen, but instead I'm on here. I do a fairly good job of keeping up on the house in general, but I just completely fail at kitchen maintenance. If only we had a dishwasher, I know it would be different. Or not haha. I feel like I've been somewhat into the Halloween spirit, but not completely. Jason and I have watched several Halloween-esque movies. We watched Paranormal Activities even though I really didn't want to. My former love of horror movies has evolved into a complete inability to watch them without freaking out. I barely slept the night we watched it, even though I didn't think it was a great movie. We also watched Mad Monster Party, a completely bizarre stop-motion film from the '60's. But my favorite so far has been The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari. I think that was one of the best silent films I've ever seen. Our tradition is to watch The Great Pumpkin followed by all of the Simpson's Tree House of Horrors. I'm really looking forward to that. We decided we didn't feel like carving pumpkins, but I did put some decorations out. My main goal lately has been winterizing the yard. I go out for 10-15 minutes every day to do a little work. Yesterday I brought Laela and Harlock out. By the end Laela was crying and Harlock was barking to go inside, not the most productive environment. I think I might bust out my sequined Minnie Mouse headband that I got at Disney last year to hand out candy. I never dress up, because we usually don't go out. I wanted Laela to be Snow White, because she totally looks like her. But, the costume was $25, and I just didn't see the point when she won't remember it and we aren't leaving the house. So, she's going to wear her glow in the dark skeleton pj's, and maybe next year she can be Snow White. She has so many Halloween clothes that from tomorrow on, she will be wearing them all so we can get one more wear out of them. I know this is a bit early, but I've been really getting into the Christmas spirit lately. Last year we had a lovely time in Cape Cod, but honestly I was so sick and out of it that I couldn't really get into the holiday. I think I actually only picked out and purchased two gifts, the rest we just went in on with others. So I'm glad that this year I'll be feeling better. But, due to budgetary concerns, we're probably only going to be able to get gifts for those who will actually be spending the holidays with us, my dad and Megan. I have loved the years where I could go all out on Christmas gifts, but this is not one of those years. But, I'm already developing a list for Laela. I swear, I get so into her toys that I have a hard time restraining myself, they're all so cute haha. The Wist list on my page is where I'm keeping track of the stuff I find. Although I'm definitely into all things "girly" myself, it's very important to me to not force Laela into liking only girl-oriented toys. So, to that end, I found the perfect gift for my dad to get her- a Fisher-Price workbench. It's adorable, and I think it will provide the perfect compliment to the tea set we're getting her. After all, a girl needs to explore her options. I'm also super bummed that the "Wilco Loves Your Baby" onesie is sold out in her size. I hope they get it back in before Christmas. Jason, on the other hand, totally hates Wilco and is hoping I forget all about it haha. But, I feel like she needs some band shirts that aren't the Beatles for once. As for me, all I really want for Christmas is a new ipod. The battery on mine died after 5 years, and I want one that will hold enough music that I won't have to buy another one for a long time. I think 160 GB will do nicely.