It always amazes me how quickly my mood and perceptions can change. Last week I was reminiscing about last Thanksgiving. I found out I was pregnant the day before, and the whole holiday season was just so hard for me. I struggled with being too sick and tired to enjoy anything. In addition, I was adjusting to not being able to do a lot of fun things, and the constant feeling that if I made the wrong decision I would hurt the baby and it would be all my fault. Not exactly good times. But, this year I was feeling a lot more festive, and very excited for Laela's first Christmas. We put up the lights outside, and the tree. I was also thrilled to discover that last year we ended up with a new, nicer tree and a stocking for Laela, thanks to Cheryl. That's a testament to how out of it I was last year, I had no idea we had a new tree until I found the box in the basement haha. But, the last few days have been really hard. Laela, after the first few weeks, was a great sleeper. She generally only woke up once a night, which didn't bother me at all. Now, she's wildly unpredictable and rarely sleeps for more than 3 hours at a time. Over the weekend I was staying up late to spend time with Jason. I went to bed at 2, and from then until 7:30, she woke up 5 times. I have no idea what the reason is, or if there even is a reason. There's just so many variables. So I'm so tired that I pretty much just want to sit on the couch and stare into space. Working out has gone out the window, and I've been showering in the evenings. I just don't have the energy to find joy in anything. Add to that the fact that Harlock jumps down, opens the bedroom door with her nose, and stares at us every time I shut it so Laela can have some quiet, and my patience is wearing thin. I've been trying very hard to be positive, which is something that doesn't come to me easily at all. I always read about studies that say that women who are anxious or depressed during pregnancy often pass that on to their children, so I feel like I must make up for her poor start in life by being as happy as possible. But I've run out of that ability. I just feel like I second-guess every parenting decision I make. I don't believe that having a rigid parenting philosophy is good for children, but winging it just isn't in my nature. I need to feel like we have some sort of plan. I worry about when to start her on solids, when to put her in her crib, and everything else possible. Jason said that at this age, as long as she is happy and developing well, we should just go with what she wants. And I completely agree for the most part, but something has got to give with the sleeping problem. I don't know, maybe tomorrow will be a better day, and she goes to the pediatrician next week, so I figured I will throw myself at his feet and hope he has some answers. Maybe not, but some suggestions from a professional might be helpful haha. I'm assuming he'll tell me to start her on cereal, so maybe that messy new adventure will distract us from everything else.

A pretty exciting thing has happened around here- Jason's car is finally up and running again! After replacing the wheels, tires and battery, Jason is finally able to take himself to work again. It couldn't have come at a better time, since Laela's sleep habits have been much less predictable than they were previously, and I've been running on less sleep than I need. So it's nice to be able to sleep until she wakes up, instead of waking to take Jason. She did well last night, and she slept all night on Saturday, but in general she's been kind of all over the place. So, we've been spending the first half of the night in our room and the second in the living room. But, in an effort to remain positive, I keep telling myself that at least she doesn't cry at night. In fact, she's been waking early in the morning squealing happily, ready to party. Several times I've fallen asleep while she remains awake, sucking on her hands. I'm assuming her little body is just going through some changes. But, to be honest, I don't always react well to fatigue, so sometimes it takes a lot to remain patient. Hopefully it won't last much longer. Currently, she's trying pretty hard to roll over, but she just manages to scoot around in a circle by throwing herself from side to side. We had a nice weekend, Joeli flew in from Chicago to meet Laela. We had a great time. We ate at the Lost Dog Cafe on Friday while Jason watched Laela. On Sunday we got coffee and went to the mall, also baby- free. And Monday we took Laela to Apple Hills for lunch and then took her and the dog to the park. I love baby time, but I never turn down an opportunity to get away for a while. I really need to get away to the gym, since I didn't go last week and I haven't gone yet this week. But, thanks to my 90 crunches a day, my jeans are fitting much better anyway. I went through a period a few weeks ago where I felt so bad about myself that I broke out some of my smaller maternity clothes. But, as I learned when I used to watch What Not to Wear all the time, bigger clothes just make you look bigger, so I stopped that haha. I'm feeling a lot better now. In general, life is going pretty well, except for adjusting to the early darkness. There are so many things I enjoy about winter, but that is not one of them. But, at least I have the holidays to look forward to.