After the events of 2010, many of which I am still wrapping my head around, I was very relieved and somewhat excited to greet 2011. I don't do resolutions, because they always seem to become negative very quickly. I slip up and then feel very bad about myself. So I try to just improve things day by day, instead of setting hard to reach long term goals. I do enjoy the feeling of a fresh start though, so I've been working on that. I'm planning on using the last of my Christmas money for a much-needed massage and hair cut, that I'm thoroughly looking forward to. I also learned, upon purchasing a bathroom scale, that I'm back to my pre-Laela weight! I'm very happy about that, and feeling much better about myself. I still have some serious ab work to do, but I'm glad to be back to working out for more pleasant reasons. You know, like stress relief, good health, and some alone time. In fact, for the first time since Laela's birth, I'm starting to feel good in my own skin again. There are still a few things that aren't normal, like that hyper-pigmentation on my stomach that will probably stick around until I stop nursing, but they're much fewer. And, I'm happy to report that the troubling pain at the epidural site on my back is finally gone! I had pretty much resigned myself to feeling like I had a bruise on my back for the rest of my life, so I'm very excited about that one. I just feel very grateful, after spending so much time being unable to get around very well, that I have a body that does pretty much everything I want it to. To be able to run and jump is so nice! And yes, I am aware how out of character these statements are haha. I keep thinking back to high school, when my doctor explained to me, giving me a troubled look as I struggled unsuccessfully to touch my toes, that being skinny does not automatically mean you are healthy haha. Laela and I have enjoying our time with all of her new books and toys. Last night we actually had a tea party, one where she grabbed a toy cake and started chewing on it, and then picked up a tea cup and sipped from it. It was pretty awesome. She also took her first turn with some crayons, and made a few lovely marks. I'm really enjoying her little new discoveries every day. The feeling I get when she suddenly does something I didn't know she knew how to do never gets old. As someone who's super sentimental and not positive about change, I assumed I would spend much of her first year lamenting her growing and changing so fast. And, there are times, especially when I have to pack up a pile of too small little clothes or a piece of outgrown baby equipment, where I do feel a little sad. But mostly I'm really enjoying watching her become a little person. She is scooting around a little, but not quite crawling yet. Her near compulsion to roll onto her stomach has made her sleep schedule a little erratic, but it seems to be improving. All of these positive things have been helping me deal with what is turning out to be an alarming amount of negatives that the new year has brought. Unfortunately there have been a lot of people close to us struggling with health problems. I also lost someone last weekend who was very important to me. I always struggle with knowing how to deal with and express my feelings in such situations. I seem to never know the right thing to do or say, and I always feel like what I'm saying seems forced, even though it is not. But I imagine that is something that I will never quite learn how to do. Sometimes awful things happen without rhyme or reason, and there are no clear ways to process them. But I continue to have hope that the future holds healing and better days.