I should really be cleaning the kitchen, but instead I'm on here. I do a fairly good job of keeping up on the house in general, but I just completely fail at kitchen maintenance. If only we had a dishwasher, I know it would be different. Or not haha. I feel like I've been somewhat into the Halloween spirit, but not completely. Jason and I have watched several Halloween-esque movies. We watched Paranormal Activities even though I really didn't want to. My former love of horror movies has evolved into a complete inability to watch them without freaking out. I barely slept the night we watched it, even though I didn't think it was a great movie. We also watched Mad Monster Party, a completely bizarre stop-motion film from the '60's. But my favorite so far has been The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari. I think that was one of the best silent films I've ever seen. Our tradition is to watch The Great Pumpkin followed by all of the Simpson's Tree House of Horrors. I'm really looking forward to that. We decided we didn't feel like carving pumpkins, but I did put some decorations out. My main goal lately has been winterizing the yard. I go out for 10-15 minutes every day to do a little work. Yesterday I brought Laela and Harlock out. By the end Laela was crying and Harlock was barking to go inside, not the most productive environment. I think I might bust out my sequined Minnie Mouse headband that I got at Disney last year to hand out candy. I never dress up, because we usually don't go out. I wanted Laela to be Snow White, because she totally looks like her. But, the costume was $25, and I just didn't see the point when she won't remember it and we aren't leaving the house. So, she's going to wear her glow in the dark skeleton pj's, and maybe next year she can be Snow White. She has so many Halloween clothes that from tomorrow on, she will be wearing them all so we can get one more wear out of them. I know this is a bit early, but I've been really getting into the Christmas spirit lately. Last year we had a lovely time in Cape Cod, but honestly I was so sick and out of it that I couldn't really get into the holiday. I think I actually only picked out and purchased two gifts, the rest we just went in on with others. So I'm glad that this year I'll be feeling better. But, due to budgetary concerns, we're probably only going to be able to get gifts for those who will actually be spending the holidays with us, my dad and Megan. I have loved the years where I could go all out on Christmas gifts, but this is not one of those years. But, I'm already developing a list for Laela. I swear, I get so into her toys that I have a hard time restraining myself, they're all so cute haha. The Wist list on my page is where I'm keeping track of the stuff I find. Although I'm definitely into all things "girly" myself, it's very important to me to not force Laela into liking only girl-oriented toys. So, to that end, I found the perfect gift for my dad to get her- a Fisher-Price workbench. It's adorable, and I think it will provide the perfect compliment to the tea set we're getting her. After all, a girl needs to explore her options. I'm also super bummed that the "Wilco Loves Your Baby" onesie is sold out in her size. I hope they get it back in before Christmas. Jason, on the other hand, totally hates Wilco and is hoping I forget all about it haha. But, I feel like she needs some band shirts that aren't the Beatles for once. As for me, all I really want for Christmas is a new ipod. The battery on mine died after 5 years, and I want one that will hold enough music that I won't have to buy another one for a long time. I think 160 GB will do nicely.

I'm currently getting ready to go have lunch with Jason. I believe this is only the second time I've done that, since he only gets a half hour for lunch. We'll probably go through the Wendy's drive-thru and eat it in the car. Good times haha. I feel like my last post was a little bit of a bummer, and apparently it surprised some people who didn't know what was going on. I'm still working through my feelings about everything, and I still have bad days occasionally, but things are still going really well. I feel almost like I have to mourn for the experience that I didn't have. One thing I can never remember is that no matter how universal an experience is, it's always colored by the person experiencing it. What I mean is, I bought into the vision of pregnancy that society at large has as being a beautiful, happy time where all bad things are brushed aside because "it is worth it". But, I've never reacted well to change. Like when we moved to Binghamton I barely got out of bed for the first couple of months. Of course having Laela was worth it, but that doesn't mean that the bad things go away. So I felt like it was twice as depressing- once for the actual feelings of anger, detachment and isolation I was feeling, and once for the difference between what I imagined would happen and what actually happened. At least I have Jason around to anticipate these things. When I told him how I was feeling about Laela once things improved, he told me that he figured I would feel neutral towards her for at least 6 months, so things were going better than expected. Unfortunately, I can only be me, no matter the situation, so I guess I'm screwed haha. Anyway, Laela is doing pretty well, but she is going through a bit of a fussy phase. She has started trying to stay awake when she needs to sleep, which makes her cranky. She also had her reflux medicine adjusted due to her increased weight. She still sleeps through the night, but she stays up crying much later than she should. I'm kind of embarrassed to admit this, but the other night she didn't go to bed until 1am. I'm playing the whole putting her on a schedule thing by ear. If this continues I'll consider it. If not, I'm going to wait for a natural schedule to emerge. I just never want to be the kind of parent who's so rigid, they never vary from a schedule. But on the bright side, Laela and I have moved into our bedroom 7 days a week. Up until last week, we were sleeping in the living room during the week so Jason could get sleep, and then moving into the bedroom on the weekends. Other than the occasional fussiness, she's very charming. She thinks Jason is hilarious. At this point, she rarely smiles at other people, which is very flattering haha. If I look at her and don't smile, she cries until I smile, and then she stops and smiles back. It's kind of crazy to have that much control over someone's emotions. We got her a Jumperoo, which she's in love with. More than anything, Laela likes to sit or stand up. She would sleep sitting up if she could. Her head control is really good for a baby her age. She brings a lot of giggles and extremely high-pitched squeals to our lives, and we really enjoy having her around.